Hi Bloggersphere! So, I figured it was time to share some very personal and in depth journal entry's with you all, of the times of our healing from Adultery. I think that it's important to share these for others who are facing their very own nightmare. I hope these entries show you the depth of pain we endured but also Gods redemptive powers. Bless you all on your journey to being healed, whole and free in Jesus!
P.S, you will notice I didn't start blogging straight away so my initial responses aren't listed but I will just post it all unedited, besides names being removed for the sake of the people involved. You will also notice that once we left Adelaide i didn't really do anymore journals but thats when i began to blog more..
6th November 2012
A dear lady in Christ sent me this text message after my world was shook.
"Some scriptures as promised... Lamentations 3:22-24. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. Romans 8:28. Mark 9:24. Psalm 23. And I still firmly believe that Proverbs 3:5-6 is a word for you in this season. Keep writing them out in your journal. I also suggest you play worship music often and spend time in his presence. God has strength enough to bring you through this "R" (me)- your strength is not sufficient, but he is faithful to being you through to a place if wholeness, blessing and abundance again. This season won't last forever. Praying you have restful sleep tonight xx"
19th November 2012
My First entry
"I'm just starting to realise I had a right to feel insecure during those first years of our marriage and if anything it truly was my bodies alarm bells going off without truly knowing what for. Now I understand that it was my husbands unfaithfulness, lies and deceit that was truly triggering those intense feelings. For me, besides the ex wife struggles which I do believe we were beginning to deal with them as a couple but besides that there were REAL times when my husband was truly present and those are the moments I hold on to. You see, I didn't have that internal battle going on inside of me. I was truly feeling like we were getting to a better place in our marriage. I loved being married to this man. Yes we got off to a rocky start with my husbands past and moving to a whole new country and us having to start from scratch especially for my husband which I expected there to be some transitional time and boy there was that but with my parents support and the love we had for one another I truly saw the fairy tale ending. I was beginning to live in the marriage I desired most of the time but then every now and then my husband would do something like sexual chatting online which would rock the boat and I felt like my world was gradually coming crashing down and the trust would become shook up and the respect was crumbling at the seems and I truly just didn't understand why. I would ask myself why would he do that? We have been getting along so well. We've both been present and attentive to one another's needs and then this. Which then would lead to debating over petty things but I could see that the underlying issues were there like not trusting him cos he really gave me no reason to trust him after the countless times I found him chatting online to other women in a sexual manner. Then the debating would calm down again and we would be back on that friend tip being loving and the trust would gradually start to build up again and then he would knock it down again. I remember thinking like why does he keep starting these debates it feels like he's trying to start an argument". Well maybe the guilt from what he had been doing during those times was eating at him and he felt the need to pick a fight to make it seem like what he had done was understandable. I remember after every blow just feeling really unloved and let down because he truly meant everything to me and we were always so so great together and yet we would end up in these stupid unnecessary debates over absolutely nothing and it would always catch me off guard. I remember one of those debates being about having chick friends and him being all for it and I look back and realise he was only fighting for that at the time because he was getting himself deeper and deeper into the emotional/physical affair with "K" (name removed). It truly brings tears to my eyes as I'm writing this because all though from my husbands perspective things would probably have seemed as if things were really wrong most of the time and that's because he was also lying and keeping secrets from me which I realise now was coming out in his behaviour in a few different ways, when things were good and we were truly enjoying one another's company and I guess my husband turned off the guilt triggers and was being present I was the happiest most secure woman in the world. Those amazing moments was what made me sit there dumbfounded like huh? What? Every time my husband made a decision to put us and our marriage at risk which was apparently even more so than what was first initially thought. The things he was already doing that I knew about was hurting me and us enough but all of this is just beyond that. He has torn my heart out and not really cared about the damage it would do to me and our marriage. My self confidence which was gradually diminishing every time he logged on that computer, chatted sexually to other women or looked at women in pics scandalously but now after him being involved with other women in person has truly smashed it to smithereens. What little trust that was there is gone all together and I'm fighting just to hold on to any ounce of respect I could possibly have for a man that had no respect for this marriage whatsoever because if he did he wouldn't have hurt me the way he did. There has not been another person in this world to have hurt me as bad as he did. No one. I didn't marry this man to be treated like dirt like I mean nothing, lower than low because by him cheating on me repeatedly says to me I have no love or respect for you and you are uglier than ugly and I would rather f****r some ugly ass w***h than come home to you. That's some pretty harsh things I have to deal with. Knowing that I was never enough for him. Now I some how gotta turn around from that and put in all my effort to heal and over come the damage my husband has caused to try and save this marriage. It's unbelievable how he does the crime and yet I gotta put in so much effort to try and get over all of this and some how allow time for us to put this marriage back together with a solid foundation. I know he's having to do a lot of work on his whole lustful sin stuff but yet it feels like he just gets away with cheating on me while I learn to just accept that. How is that fair? Or equal? 50/50 marriage (I later found out it takes both spouses giving a 100%) is give and take and by what my husband was getting up to he was doing a lot more taking than giving. I'm hurt. This is another down day for me for sure. Signing off"
Continued.....
"What I want from this marriage:
*A Christ centred marriage
*Healing
*To feel and truly be first in my husbands eyes after God.
*To not fear my husbands screw ups and possible next shortcomings.
*Faithfulness (to NEVER be put in this position or anything even resembling this situation EVER again). That's if I can truly over come the damage that has already been done.
*True friendship
*Honesty and TRUST
*Love and respect
*Putting each other before our own needs, wants, desires.
*I want family once I'm healed
*I want to be happy
*I want to feel like there isn't another that could ever replace me.
*Recognise each others desires and support one another even if the desires and/or goals are different from each others. Not forcing it on each other either but being there as support.
*I want to feel true love, unconditional Christlike love from my spouse as God intended.
*Ultimately, I want to enjoy life and not feel like the one person on this earth who decided to marry me out of love wouldn't be the one to hurt me the most. I never want to feel this sort of pain infliction ever again. I want the only issues we deal with being the ones that we can't control or make a choice to do right. Like finances etc.
*To be able to look at my husband without just seeing the images of him cheating on me.
*To no longer have triggers every where I go or fear bumping into one of the people my husband cheated on me with. To be able to spend time at my parents without the fear of memory triggers.
*To be able to enjoy my days off and not feel like I'm better of going to work as it helps shut off from all the pain I'm going through.
*To go back to only having eyes for my husband since he broke my trust and our marriage covenant, satan has been trying to use the idea of a new partner who is and always will be faithful to try and deter me away from this broken marriage and trying to save it.
*Honestly, if I could ask for one thing from God and one thing only. Meaning God would never grant me anything else, it would have been permanent faithfulness in our marriage. Meaning for none of this to have ever happened cos if I knew our marriage covenant was never broken I would tackle any other obstacle by my husbands side as a partnership and we would tackle it head on together. This however has damaged it.
What frustrates me the most is that my husband didnt learn anything from his first marriage failure. He just repeated the same stuff in ours. All though he has come clean about cheating, whose to say it won't happen again. Nothing has stopped him thus far. It's beyond annoying that we are part of the statistics. I'm annoyed that he has put this nasty crap in our marriage and for us to work I'm just expected to just get over it. Grrr!!! How dare he!"
21st November 2012
"Last night after reading some more of Tonya and dales story it gave me hope for our future. I was sitting up reading all this while my husband was asleep next to me and something hit me like a lightning bolt that its time to cuddle up to my husband and be present with him. In that moment I felt every thing is going to be okay and that satan has been trying to attack me again with my husbands words. I had an amazing sleep. I woke up with a sore stomach but other than that pain I thanked god for a new day. My husband wrapped his arms around me and drew me close. I felt safe for a short moment. I felt whole. I felt loved. I had to get up to go to the bathroom cos my stomach was hurting and out of fear that my period had begun so "M" (my husband) got in the shower. I found myself for a moment thinking about how ironic it is that "M" and I are struggling to try and save our marriage while "K" and her husband are welcoming a new baby in the world. It's strange because of my husband's and "K's" actions we are struggling and yet she and her husband are in the midst of excitement and joy to have this new life in theirs. I quickly snapped out of it as that is satan playing on my emotions. He knows that I was longing to be a mum and have a baby with my husband so that is just another thing to play on. Well "M" just got out the shower and asked when I was working I said 4:30 but I might go in early he said might as well spend all your time there if its the only place you happy and content. That kinda hit me in a weird sarcastic way. Anyway it is what it is. Then I went on to try and explain how satan was attacking me last night with my husband's words like satans interpretation was something like "M just thought you were like "L" and regretted marrying you and that he truly wanted to leave Australia cos he wasn't happy with you barely ever. It was all a front". These crazy thoughts went on for a while and for a few moments he had me drawn in, feeling hopeless like what is the point. Anyway I tried to explain it like how he compared me to his previous marriage and him barely being happy here so by what I was hearing it made me think what was the point of us even trying. "M" got frustrated by this and said he didn't want to get into an argument before leaving however, I explained that that is not my intentions I'm just trying to express what's on my mind as it is. No filter. Anyway, it then escalated into an argument even tho I agreed it wasn't the time before he leaves he gave me the opportunity to ask a question but I said I wasn't sure how to put it into question form so I'd wait until he got home and then he basically just lost it saying he feels like I'm attacking him! Huh?? All I was trying to do was talk about my feelings, worries and concerns. Okay, "please god make me aware of any tones that I may use when speaking to my husband that will and does offend him". I'm unsure of what he talking about cos before I even brought it up I made sure I was calm and that I didn't word it so direct and mean like mentioning that I was being attacked by satan last night and that he was using "M's" words. Instantly he turned around with what seemed like his back up "satan uses your words to attack me all the time". Huh? What is this a competition. Blows the whistle, calls timeout, hops off the crazy roller coaster and takes a breather! What is going on here? How we end up in this place? Hmm.... One guess, SATAN! Once again satans stirred the pot in which started off harmless, ended up vicious. After "M's" emotions hitting the roof, I reacted out of stupidity which really is just fear and protection of my broken heart which is still wrong but I was dumbfounded by how communicating my feelings turned into a attack. "M" stormed out, I said something like I'm so sick of your bulls**t just leave. "Heavenly father please forgive me for swearing in the heat of the moment. I'm sorry". I just get so so confused as to how we end up in this place it's frustrating and then when "M" came back in he has to use sarcastic terms all the time like ill be out of your way soon you don't have to worry. I will see you when I see you talk to you when I talk to you. Like okay maturity level has dropped to like a 5. And don't worry he's not the only one that loses the maturity I do too. I then said that's right just walk away like you always do. WOW, great going "R"!! What happened to if you don't have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all?? Hmm, I'm realising more and more each day at how much we just suck at this thing called communication. Bouncing off of each others stubbornness and guilt etc. fun fun fun. So it seems that God has a lot more work to do in both of us cos I can definitely say I'm not feeling loved whatsoever and "M's" definitely not feeling respected. Which honestly I knew there wasn't a chance he was going to feel respect in such early days of our brokenness but wow, after today's round of fighting I'm sure we both feeling lost, unloved, no respect and like what in the world are we still fighting for this marriage for? Yeah, ugly place for us to be in and because of the computer my husband hasn't been able to use his tools so I'm assuming satan is setting up plans to make one of us fail once again. Just waiting and ready to watch whatever is left of this salvageable heap crumble to the waste side.... Please Heavenly Father, I lay still in Jesus arms waiting for your protection from satan. Please watch over my husband also and protect him from the upcoming attacks. I can feel it coming. I know they are coming because we aren't doing a great job at putting you first and then each other. In Jesus name, amen".
After reading Tonya's blog I realise that this extreme sluggishness, exhausted feeling and loss of interest in daily chores is very normal. It's all a process. The only difference is Tonya had something that forced her out of bed daily, her children's needs. She had to put on her mask and pretend all was ok but there were moments she would have to remove herself from a room, ball her eyes out and then come back composed. Once Dale came home there was a lot of tag in tag out so she could truly go be. Her children are her job. That's her going to work daily so I understand the mask thing. Anyway, it's 10am and this is the earliest I've been up in a while. Time to find something to eat. This could be a task. Signing off!"
23 November 2012
My prayer warrior
"Yes, that's fine. I'll be praying for you. Eph 1:18-19 "I pray that your heart will be flooded with light so that you can understand the wonderful future God has promised to those He called. I want you to realize what a rich and glorious inheritance He has given to His people. I pray that you will begin to understand the incredible greatness if His power for us who believe in Him. "
24 November 2012
"Roughest day in a while. All things are a mess. Matt met a random at work who was basically his perfect match. Loves to run, eat healthy, wants to foster kids and is Christian. Well I will be damned there are perfect matches out there for people and obviously I'm not my husbands match whatsoever. Anyway, got through work ok, was hounded by thoughts majority of the night then my boss wanted to sit down and validate. Had worst headache ever. He asked if I was ok and I just lost it he said let's go in the office, shut the door and it all came pouring out. Thankfully "A" is a Christian which I already knew and I know he truly cares about his staff so I wasn't worried about it cos its all confidential and he see's all staff as his family. He just said his door is always open if things get tough and that the only way to get through something like this is forgiveness. He didn't want to tell me what to do cos he said its not his place but he's there to listen. It was good to feel like I had someone to open up to outside our group and at a certain point I was going to have to be real with him. He understands I'm not the sort of person to bring my personal life to work but he also gets how massive this all is. What can I say? I feel like a mess, I'm so broken that its an effort to drag myself any where. I'm either wailing or walking around like a zombie. My head is thumping beyond words. Everything hurts. That's it. Signing off!
Messages to my husband on the same day:
"That's great. I'm troubled by everything. Everything you've done to screw with this so called covenant. I'm broken, I'm lost, hurt, unsure of everything and anything. My mind is a mess, I'm swamped by things I cannot control, my mind is like jelly and it's so hazy I don't know which ways up or down. I'm just doing my best to put one foot in front of the other to be able to get out of bed, shower, brush my teeth, get ready for work everyday and be a functioning, smiley human being where I need to pretend that my world is all rainbows and butterflies. I've lost all self worth and self confidence, I feel useless, depressed and fearful most of the time now. That's what my problem is. I'm battling satan daily, most minutes of most days all because oh decisions you made. I know god is always present but a lot of the time he's doing so much behind the scene instead being right up front helping me that it begins to feel like I'm going these battles alone. I scream out for his help, I try to give him as much praise as I have in me and yet I'm left stuck in my misery trying to survive just to see another day similar to the last. I'm fighting so much internally trying to hold on to this marriage cos I want it but I gotta some how beat these battles and overcome one of the most tragic things in my life. That's what's up."
Another message to my husband:
"I had a weird dream just before I woke up. I must of heard your text messages come through in my dreams except they said things like " I've always had the hots for that one woman off of ready set cook. Every time I see her my heart skips a beat" and that blonde haired chick off of sex and the city, I find her sexy". Then I wrote back really? what is wrong with you? you like that blonde cos she sleeps with anyone and everyone. Nice to see your heart skips a beat for some random but it doesn't for me. Then I woke up to your real texts like huh?"
25 November 2012
"I'm struggling with the thoughts of my husband and "K" a lot right now. With the movie hitch and payback it's just things that trigger off this stuff. It amazes me that my husband can just move on so easy from her and the fact that she has just moved on like nothing ever happened truly does my head in because I seem to be the only one suffering from the damage that was done whilst they were dating and kissing while I was at work or at home waiting on my husband just thinking he was doing the right thing like studying at uni or working or playing ball at the local school but instead he was catching up with his play thing getting emotionally and physically involved with her. This brings tears to my eyes and feels like their is a dagger piercing my heart. For that time that they were involved he basically had a girlfriend during our marriage. Sending emails, phone calls, texts, catching up inside and outside of work, kissing, hugging, rubbing and touching on each other. IT KILLS ME!! It comes to mind as to how much I was worried about his staff Xmas parties and that they didn't allow partners which seemed definitely shady yet now that I know all this, those staff parties were the least of my worries cos by then the damage had already been done and "K" had already moved to Noarlunga. Obviously with Xmas coming up a lot is on my mind in relation to Xmas. I realise just how much of a struggle those big family moments are going to be. I just truly can't believe that my husband would ever put us through this. It scares me that it took all this crap and almost and possibly still losing me to realise what he has. It feels like it took all this for him to realise he loves me. I'm so scared of being heartbroken all over again and I haven't even healed from all of this. I feel like I've lost so much and at this stage with not much to gain. I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare that keeps on repeating itself like Groundhog Day. I can't even begin to think how it'd look to be healed because I can't even see how I could over come all the pain my husband has inflicted on this marriage.
It dawned on me earlier that in our early years, I was pretty much another "K" or bar b***h only I wasn't married and nor did I have children.... So it seems to me that I was really just one of "M's" lust addictions. He married his lust addiction. What chances do we have of this lasting, knowing how wrong our starting was with M being previously married, cheating on her, her cheating on him and some where in the midst of it him and I met online... We started as friends but as time went on and the more M told me he and his wife were over the more entrapped we were to each other.... At least I was. M had me hooked in too. Honestly, looking back, I feel dirty and I'm disgraced by the 16 year old me because that's never who I was. I was always one to hate on those who cheated and hurt another. It's not fair, it's cowardly and just plain wrong. So what does that make me, the 16 year old gullible me? How can something that came from such a disastrous and devastating history and beginning last? I feel like God is getting even for the adulterous times we were engaged in way back when via computer screen. Even though his previous marriage was failing and did fail it was still wrong timing. Honestly, the young, stupid me thought we were just friends and that his marriage was already basically over based on "M's" words back then... Is all of this my punishment? Stepping out on me with "L", bar bitch, "K" and all the online chicks? I feel like god is getting the revenge on "L's" behalf. I truly believed "M" was planning on leaving way back when but was trying to figure out how to deal with being their for his child. How could I have been so stupid? Guys engaging in affairs of all sorts don't generally leave their wives they just drag you a long. I use to think the fact that we had been brought back together was a sign that we were meant to be but maybe it was just satan with his teeth sinked in previously setting up long term traps to get us.
I repent for all my past transgressions and all the parts I played as the lust trigger in ruining a marriage and breaking up a family. I know I truly apologised to "L" quite some time ago for that and I stand by that. I guess I did deserve for my husband to cheat on me after all."
(As you can see this whole process has brought other areas of our lives to the surface also... Things that God wanted me to confront and be real with.)
26 November 2012
"This morning I woke up struggling but only for a short period of time as "M" came home from his workout and got me up outta bed for church. At the beginning of church I was still quite flat but one David McCracken started speaking all of it was gone. There were a few key things that stood out to me which were, that we need to cross the line and ask god to speak to us and give ourselves to god as his soldiers. We had the opportunity to stand if we chose to full heartadly be opened to Christ and want to be one of his soldiers. I felt a conviction to stand so I did. During that time we were praying and I just said all though I know I'm not giving myself full heartadly right now I want to so please father use me as you see fit and speak to me. After the prayer session mark said because we made the choice to be one of gods soldiers satan will try to attack but won't succeed. He also mentioned that there is a difference between a wound and a scar. Scars are battle reminders of something we've beaten and battles we've won. He also said it was important to nail those scars on to the cross and not carry it with us, just what theyve taught us. the lesson i guess. A wound is still open and we need to offer it up to our father to be healed. Powerful stuff. A Lady Pastor came up to us after the service and gave us some of the baptism info. She also said that satan will try to deter us from doing the baptism because it's one thing he truly doesn't want for us, dedicating ourselves to god. I'm glad she had mentioned that cos now I will pray on it and equip myself with the armor of Christ ready for this battle against satan.
We then went to "J's and D's (our Christian Counsellors) for lunch and that was great also. I always walk away from their feeling positive and as if the Holy Spirit is protecting me even if its for a short period of time. My mind feels empty of thought and light. Anyway after we left we came home and laid on the couch while matt was rubbing on me. I fell asleep cos it felt so good and I was so full. After I woke up I was ready to go to my parents all though I prepared myself for triggers and explained it to matt. He suggested we take UNO and boy was that a great idea. Kept my mind busy at the end more specifically as I was driving home I felt satan attack me with thoughts of my husband in "K's" car driving in that area near the school heading towards the pool hall for their big kissing and face in chest scene. I quickly rebuked it and started thanking Jesus. He hit me with a couple other scenarios and I rebuked and turned my focus on thanking God. As soon as I got home I rebuked, walked in turned music on and now I'm laid up in bed about to sleep. Slightly struggling but ready to focus on my praise and worship so I can then sleep and wake up to a new day rising as one of gods soldiers and ready to hear his words spoken to me. Night!"
27 November 2012
Well what can I say I woke up to my husband with "K" again and I rebuked satan and was singing thank you Jesus and picturing Jesus on the cross trying to keep my focus on him while satan kept trying to beat me over the head with my husband and "K" and the fact that he was in a relationship during our marriage. This was all going on whilst texting my husband and of course I found out that he was working with "S" (miss perfect) and it seems like they been working a few shifts together so of course satan beating me over the head with that as well and bar b***h! When does it end? I'm glad "S's" moved house thank God for that.
How is any of this fair? It isn't. How is it that matt got to mess around, confess, be saved and I'm the one that was betrayed, our marriage covenant broken and I'm the one having to go through all this deep rooted agonising pain!! That's not fair. After hearing David McCracken yesterday something stuck out just now. He said "god isn't to blame for the choices we make, could he have stopped them though, Yes". So for me I'm like, I get our father wanted to break my husband down to build him back up and so that we both rely completely on him but god could have stopped my husband from ruining our marriage and he didn't!?! Noooooooooo!!! Couldn't have god taught us both and showed us both in a different way? This way makes me hurt so so bad. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. I can't look at my husband without seeing the things he did. There are triggers every where. Why would god let one of his children go through so much agonising pain? I know he sees the bigger picture and we only get snippets but couldn't he have broke us both down another way? Adultery, infidelity, unfaithfulness, cheating, having a whole other relationship during our marriage is just too much!! I honestly feel like god gave us too many doses of pain. I was already a mess from matts ex and child and the whole infertility stuff. That stuff was hard enough God but all of this, well I guess you achieved what you wanted... Brokenness!! I just wished brokenness didn't also include this never ending movie in my head and fighting satan off with every last bit of strength within me. I'm fighting a war inside of my mind. I think because people don't physically see the damage that has been done, they think I'm ok. I'm a BLOODY MESS!! The strain on me with the battle in my mind is so exhausting. I've already cried a bucket load and as I went to get out of bed to answer the front door I collapsed to the floor twice along the way and had to crawl the rest. Like fatigue or something cos i had already been up earlier to go to the toilet with out any issues. 10 more months of this is just too much for God to ask of me. I truly mean that. Please God take the images and triggers away. I can't cope much longer with those things.
I'm really getting sick and tired of this fight and yet it really has only begun. I wish God would stop testing me and just heal me already. I understand I am nothing without him, NOTHING! I'm useless and powerless. I couldn't stop my husband from doing ANYTHING as much as I tried. I tried to use my own strength instead of gods. I know there is nothing I can do to stop my husband from choosing sin over me. I'm helpless. He chose sin time and time again over love and our marriage. We aren't safe from unfaithfulness, no marriage or relationship is, some are just more blessed then others like the other 54% are more blessed with faithfulness but are struggling with other things. Well, I WILL TAKE THE OTHER THINGS!!! At least I would trust my husband around other women or just a simple thing like going to work or even to go play basketball or go to the shops or for a run or walk or just basically any where. Man it must be nice to not worry about your spouse walking out the door on a daily basis. This is an ugly place to be in and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Not even those my husband chose over me. That seriously shows just how much pain I'm going through. Not even wishing it on those who didn't give a damn about the importance of marriage. I'd like to say to them well F U!!"
28 November 2012
Yesterday was my dads birthday and I woke up okay. "M" and I were about to go to the beach but mum called up so we went to theirs instead for a BBQ. I'm glad we did so we could see dad on his birthday. You only turn 60 once. We had to leave as Matt had to get home to get ready for work. The images came over me like a wave and from that point on everything was a struggle. Downward turn I went. It was a struggle to focus on getting ready for work. Everything took 10 times longer than normal. Indecisive as to whether I would go or not. Anyway I got out the shower and sat down for a sec. I couldn't just bring myself to do the whole hair and makeup routine just yet. As I was sitting there my stomach began to hurt. I have been waiting on my period so I assumed it was related. The stabbing pain was there also but fainter than usual. Anyway I looked at the time and realised if I'm going to make it to work I had to push through it and boy was it a task but I made it. At work it was quite dead so I had too much time to think and then a woman named "K" rang and of course I was freaked out all night until she came in and it wasn't her. Then that got me thinking like oh my goodness, it's going to happen one day. She could seriously come in one day. My heart skipped a beat, my chest tightened and I was still putting on that brave face like my world was awesome. After sometime it settled down and then it was time to go home. I was ready to see my husband, excited even. As I got home I was hit with triggers. I turned on praise and worship music, rebuked satan, thanked Jesus on repeat as I was texting matt and letting him know I was heading for a downhill spiral. He called on the way home and I could tell satan was trying to make me reply to him in an ugly honest way again so I said I would just talk to him when I got home. I can't remember the exact words satan was feeding me but it was the usual pointing the finger type stuff. Anyway the spiral had begun and I couldn't hold it together any longer I was in the room, screaming in so much agony, my heart and chest was on fire. All I remember is pleading with god to help me!!!! I remember feeling matt home at some point. It was all too much pain. I eventually fell asleep from exhaustion. I remember having a nightmare waking up in a big jolt and saying something mid dream. Unsure what it was but I know the dream was related to good old wench "K". Man I hate everything she stands for as a woman. Who does that? Chases a married man whilst at that point only been married 2 years herself and had like a 1 year old daughter. WTF is wrong with people? I truly hate the world I live in. It's a crap hole, a melting pot. Anyway, I woke up from that nightmare only to be attacked some more, yelling screaming pleading and rebuking did absolutely nothing. By this point anger, frustration and agony all set in. The man I love chose these whores time and time again over me!! WTF!! I couldn't keep still, there was a war going on inside of me but no one else can see it, other than me screaming I guess. Once again, exhaustion hit and sleep I went. "
29 November 2012
"I woke up not much different then how I went to sleep. In screaming agony. By this point everything was annoying me. As I lay there trying to catch my breath, trying to relax because my chest was tighter than anything I had ever felt before and was pounding so fast all I could hear was "M" snoring ahhhhhhhh!!!! That's right while I'm in my own living hell my husband was bouncing in and out of sleep. I tried putting a pillow over my head but yet there it was snoring loud as can be. I couldn't take it anymore so I left. Silence at last. Satan was still trying to get me, if there was something filled with rage, hate and a target that would be satan. I feel I'm starting to understand him more. I guess it's good to know your enemy so you can defeat him but boy he is relentless and he's got nothin to lose in this process. Yet, we have a lot to lose and he knows it. He also knows that no young female grows up picturing the man of their dreams is ever going to treat them like crap. So when he does its even further to fall. Everyone wants the fairy tale but don't want to put in the effort. They'd rather just steal someone else happy ending and make it their own. This is a dog eat dog type world. Honestly the more I think about it, why in the world would I bring children into this world. I must say that has always been THE dream of mine to have children by the man I love. Well dreams get squashed, people lie and deceive you. I'm starting to feel like its time to soldier up, forget all the hopes and dreams I ever had and switch off all emotion because it just hurts too much. If people knew what sort of outcomes come from giving your heart to someone else they would never bother. Honestly, the pain I'm going through I'd rather have never of loved than go through this. It's too much agony to give your whole heart and soul to someone for them to only take a knife and stab it time and time again like you are their practice bag or something. Someone who loves you as much as you loved them wouldn't EVER cheat on you because they wouldn't want you to do it to them because they can assume just how much agony that would inflict. I'm sorry but I've had a few opportunities to walk that unfaithful path during this marriage, difference is in those moments I stopped thought of my husband and how much that crap would hurt him and guess what I turned away, put my wedding ring finger in front of their faces and I did it proudly because I loved my man and I thought he loved and honoured this marriage as much as I did but I guess not. So where does that leave us? I know it leaves me heartbroken, shattered, lost, confused and very very vulnerable. How can my heart still beat for this man after all the things he's done? It's insane. Maybe I'm a sucker for pain. I know I want to heal already. I'm sorry but I didn't inflict this crap so God please heal me. If you still got work to do on my husband then do it to him solely. I know I love you father and no other can ever come before you. I haven't turned my back on you. Yes I've questioned why you would allow my husband to do these nasty adulterous things but I haven't turned away from you. I'm sure many have in this journey. I'm ready to be baptised and satan ain't taking that from me. He can take a faithful husband from me, which killed me and my marriage. You won that one satan. But he ain't stopping my baptism. That one I will win. Anyway stabbing pain is still here, fainter than usual but I'm assuming its cysts on my ovaries about to burst and probably the reason I haven't got my period yet. That's all I need, cysts back. What next satan? What's your next plan of attack to bring me down? "
30 November 2012
"Stabbing pains were getting worse so I had to drive to dads to get the pain killers. Eventually they kicked in as dad was saying that him and mum had discussed moving to Townsville and that mum was actually willing to do it. I explained how much of a mess I've been last couple days and the triggers of "K's" name at work and how I fear working there now and that its all getting too much and dad said well maybe a fresh start is what you and matt need. It's not going to make it all go away but it may alleviate a lot of the triggers and fears of running into her or matt recognising the other chick. I'm honestly at the point where I can't take much more of this stuff. I went to the bathroom as my stomach was hurting more again and there it was, period is here finally. I had to go home to get tampons and the idea of going else where gave me something else to focus on for a short period of time. Matt was apprehensive and the more that was apparent the quicker I felt the fears come back and the images and triggers all over again. I began to cry and plead with god. I'm tired I truly am tired of this rut. I can't take it no more and I'm not sure if moving is the answer or not so we do need to pray on it. I just know I can't live here no more. It may seem like running away and that's exactly it. I'm not running away from God cos he's every where I'm running away from Adelaide, which was once my home, my comfort zone and now it's like a place full of land mines and I'm one step away from stepping on one of those bombs and exploding. I'm so limited as to where I can drive that won't set me off. Sadly every day when I leave my house and get a glimpse of woodend school I'm triggered. I mean COME ON! When the heck do I get a break from this crap? How in the world do people go through this for a year or more. I feel like driving off a cliff and not looking back most of the time or running away or pleading to god to either heal me or take me. Why does he think I'm so strong? I'm sorry but I don't like the tests I'm continuously been given. Stop bloody testing me!! I'm done already, I tap out. Leave me alone already. I didn't and do not deserve this. My husband is a good man so why in the world would god let him make such asshole decisions. He's not one of those guys. I'm so mad. I wanted to grow old with him. Marriage means so much more than sleeping around or being sexual with others then coming home to your spouse!!! Wtf is wrong with people's brains? What makes them EVER think that crap is okay? What the heck? I mean seriously!! I just don't get it. Everyone knows right from wrong. Everyone knows cheating is extremely bad. You want a gag load of women chasing you then don't get BLOODY MARRIED!!!! Ahhhhhh I moved to a whole other country for this man so what he can move back to my home, break my damn heart and ruin my hometown for me!!! I want to swear sooooo bad!!! FUNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"
1 December 2012
"Step 1: Taking my thoughts captive and learning the triggers.
*Names
*Places
*Time: early mornings and late at night.
After reading some surviving the attacks on the mind articles after infidelity I'm going to try some of the things the suggest. I'm going to use this journal every time a trigger goes off and assess it all in a weeks time to see what patterns are formed. We shall see how this goes. For now I'm going to try and sleep even though I know this is usually trigger time central 1am. Goodnight until a trigger begins."
Continue...
"Today i got up early, got ready and went to volunteer. It was good. I enjoy talking to the elderly people. They are so sweet. After that I was meant to pick up mum but "M" offered which was really nice of him. I truly appreciated that. I went and put petrol in and on the way to getting my eye brows done I had to drive past woodend primary school which was an instant trigger. I tried to take charge of my thoughts and not let it stay in that dark place so I turned my thoughts to think about Queensland, snorkelling and imagining what tropical fish I might see. It was truly a struggle to keep the focus on that scene but I just kept pushing that focus. I can tell this replacement of thoughts process is going to be difficult. I had to do it today whilst volunteering as well because "M" was there and it was good seeing him and at times he made me smile but then I'd be hit by a trigger which happens a lot whilst looking at him so I turned my thoughts to think about the elderly people and picking up dishes etc. I'm going to continue that process and keep note of the triggers to figure out the pattern. Anyway, I'm home resting my feet for an hour before I go to work. I honestly wish I could just volunteer at edge more often and not work at all but I don't see that in my future cards. Nothing but triggers to report so I'm signing off for now."
2 December 2012
"Trigger day: driving mum and dad to airport, on the way back I was triggered by a Christmas carol sign for the bay which then made me think of Christmas carols at Christies beach but then that triggered bar wench so I thought of snorkelling and Queensland. In that very moment seconds afterwards, satan attacked me with mum and dads car the xtrail as its the same as "K's" or at least very similar. It then triggered into "M" being picked up from w primary school and then to the whole kissing scene. I tried to shake it off and go back to thinking about snorkelling, Queensland and beaches etc. I turned the music up louder, focused on Jesus on the cross. It helped some but then I got home and needed to express those triggers to my husband. It lead to a break down. I held it together through bible study and as i was staring out the window talking to God in my mind, the song oooh child things are going to get easier came into my head and then the words "not yet" came to mind as in healing is not yet but soon. After bible study i lost it afterwards. I was praying and crying, praying and crying until I just couldn't do it no more and I passed out asleep. "M" went for a walk I remember that, it's now 1pm so he must of went for a large walk. Anyway, I woke up and my stomach was pulsating and hurting from period. Man I need a break I feel like I need to go back to sleep.
After laying in bed as I began to wake up I started thinking about the excitement of Queensland. Satan then put an image in my head of me walking into the new family home only to find my husband walking out of the bedroom with another woman. I yelled and screamed, kicked her out then punched him got all his clothes through them in a bag and threw them at him told him to leave Townsville and take his scrag with him and that divorce will be done soon. Dad was there he was yelling at "M", "how could you do this to my daughter time and time again?" Dad hit him as well. This all happened quickly. Then I saw it as satans attack and acknowledged it as so. My goodness, why does my life have to be so damn difficult. What did I do to deserve such a crawl start? It breaks my heart. I WANTED A HEALTHY FAITHFUL MARRIAGE!! I'm so lost and of course I'm crying again. I can't keep taking this pain.
**Yesterday was a good day as far as my husband and I. I had the worst period tho. Triggers are every where. It's insane how much pain my husbands actions have caused me. Signing off until next trigger
3 December 2012
"I'm truly dreading going to work tonight. I don't want to do the validation crap. I'm not at school no more. I hate tests. As it is I'm living a big enough test at the moment. Marriage is a dang test, life is a test. I don't need to go to work and be tested as well. Aghhhhh. Why is everything so difficult these days? I miss getting up in the morning happy to face the brand new day. I miss waking up with my husband and being happy to be in his arms and I mean genuinely happy. I would beam with love for him. Now I wake up and some days it's okay to see him and other days it makes me fall to a dark place. When I'm not with him I'm honestly thinking about him and missing him and our marriage but then I get home and I'm flooded with reminders. I just need god so bad. I know as I was crying myself to sleep earlier all I could think of was "god please take away all the unfaithfulness in our marriage and you can truly just take me and use me as you see fit. I'd sell my house, id knock on people's doors every day speaking the truths about you, I would volunteer always. I'd do whatever you wanted. You name it I'd do it. Please just take away all the unfaithfulness. I want to feel loved and wanted by my husband and him to only ever desire to be with just me. Please God take it away. I need you. Save us!"
It's honestly true if he would ever do something like that for us I wouldn't care if he made us jobless and homeless living on the street spreading the word of Christ much like tall tim. It'd be hard but I'd be proud to have my faithful husband by my side each and everyday and night. If only right? I know god has the power to do it so I can only ask. We will see what god plans to do with it shortly."
Continued later on.....
"New trigger: ironman movie beginning shows a snippet of army soldiers in bagram Afghanistan and instantly it took me back to the days when things were so hopeful. "M" and I talking every single day for hours on end whilst he was based in Bagram, Afghanistan. A sadness came over me, like why didn't he just truly open up with me back then? He had nothing to lose back then. Pride, his ego I guess but in the early stages he could have opened up and it wouldn't have caused me any pain because it was issues he had before me and I truly could have provided him with a listening ear, given him the voice or reason, been aware of the problems and I wouldn't have come out as soon to see him. I would have supported his healing process. He could have gone and stayed with his family, got the kind of support he needed, found a good church home whilst still having me to talk to. It wouldn't have made me think less of him for owning his issues and doing something about it but now cos he didn't do any of that and presented himself as a healed Christian, ready to move on with his life and then committed adultery during our marriage there has been so much damage done. I love this man with all my broken heart and only ever wanted the best for him but now I'm struggling to see past the damage and I feel so unloved and unwanted from the choices he made Im unsure how we are meant to survive this. I know god is the answer but it scares me how silent god is at times where it leaves me feeling forgotten or that he's just letting us linger. This healing process to some degree is for both of us. I think until matt truly understands the impact his choices has had on our marriage the healing process will take longer and of course same goes for me at some point being able to accept that this marriage isn't scar free, it never was but now it's got an extreme battle wound that needs to be healed by Christ Jesus himself and this marriage if it is saved is and always will have a permanent limp or scar or dark cloud in its past. A reminder that my husband couldn't stay true to our marriage covenant. That saddens me beyond anything. How was it I loved a man so very much that couldn't love me back? I believed his every word. How I miss that feeling I once felt. The feeling that he truly loved and cared deeply about us. That feeling that we cherished one another even between the painful moments. How wrong was I? He was lusting after me and anyone else that paid him attention or rubbed his ego the way he wanted. The thrill of the chase. Well damn, he could have spoke up and I would have set him free long ago to chase as many wenches as he desired. Leaving me scar free. It's so selfish for one person to drag you into their problems and put all that pain and suffering on you as well. Lord, take away my pain please. Free me from my husbands burdens. Heal me from the inside out. Please let me know you are still working diligently. Amen!"
4 December 2012
"Well consider this the last journal entry about marriage from this point on because "M" and I are heading for divorce. Enough is enough. I'm sooooo angry at all of this. This could have been a beautiful marriage filled with love but instead it's a marriage filled with adultery. Goodbye marriage. Goodbye all those hopes and dreams I shared with the man I called my husband. Goodbye to the hopes of a family with this man. Goodbye to it all. It's the saddest day of my life but here it is. Divorce, never saw you coming much like I never saw my husband cheating on me. I assumed that way back when "M" and I began talking that he was talking out his frustrations from his then marriage and getting the opinion of an outsiders perspective and that's exactly how it started and then he opened up about her cheating and him wanting to leave her and that they were basically over ages ago. I believed all of it. Never did I think he would marry me and cheat on me. I believed him when he said he was getting out of a bad relationship and that he truly wanted to be with me and me only but yet now I come to realise I was just being played like a pawn in a game. He had me in all of his words and apparent love he shares for me, in all the conversations and letters he sent me . I truly believed that he had learnt from his first marriage and knew exactly what he wanted and desired in a marriage and he definitely spoke of the importance of openness and honesty yet he couldn't even stick to his own desires. I was a fool to think our marriage would be any different than his previous. I wish he stayed true to the man he was presenting himself as and we wouldn't be in this mess at all. How could he treat me so bad? I know I'm far from perfect but I would have never of betrayed him like that. Ultimate betrayal. Goodbye to the man I've only ever truly loved. I've thought I had loved in the past but that was just lust. I truly loved him and its the only reason I held on as long as I did but I can't any longer. The pain from the vicious things he's done and the images aren't going away and god doesn't seem to think he needs to take them away and I can't deal with them anymore. So this is me saying goodbye to this journaling thing of marriage. Me and marriage didnt work out so well. A fresh start in a new state is what I have to look forward to now. My journalling will hopefully only be about me and my healing with god from now on. Learning how to capture the ugly thoughts and images so i can get my sanity back and begin to heal. Signing off!!
"M" and I worked passed this moment! (As you can see going through the healing process is an up and down, emotional, roller coaster ride.)
A text response from my husband after I apologised for the erratic behaviour on my side after the divorce talk calmed down:
"No worries baby. I love you so much and will continue to love you forever. You are my one and only. Lust did not have my heart and now it does not have my mind or soul. Satan has lost his grip on me no matter what he tells you. No matter the fear. Lets fight Satan together now and not separately."
"M" told his mom of the adultery committed within our marriage and the issues he has had for most of his life. Mary was also supportive of me which was a great feeling. We had a decent day Monday. I enjoyed my much needed time with the girls. I opened up to "B" and "T", even though "T" was aware already. The support I got from "B" was amazing. She even bought me a chai latte. "T" wanted to contribute to my healing process and bought me the pencils and paint brushes to help me get started with my arts and crafts. I truly appreciate the women God has put in my life to help support me and protect me. So I came home, went to mum and dads and "M", dad and I played UNO which was so much fun. In those moments I felt like us in the old happy, nothing to worry about times. Anyway we got home and all was well, I began to draw. Once I was done with that I'd sit with my husband and majority of the time it was good. There were a couple of trigger times, I think late at night when my mind relaxes its a perfect time for satan to attack cos you're less on guard. Also as I stare into my husbands eyes at times I get caught up and dragged back into those doom and cgloom places but I have to quickly replace the images with beach, snorkelling and the amazing fish I'd see. It takes a lot of work to replace the images and its not always successful but practise makes perfect as they say. Then we went to bed I prayed thanks for the amazing day and off to sleep I went.
5 December 2012
"I woke up to my husband moving around getting ready to go for his morning run/dribble the basketball which is great that he enjoys that however the time he's gone it does scare me a lot because I fear him with other women or possibly re running into "K", which is just not even possible really I mean she just had a baby so the likelihood that she's out and about is slim. Anyway, that's what I have to tell myself to help with triggers. Mind you as I wrote that it gave me the trigger of when my husband called N community unit last to see what shift was being offered, which by the way is off limits now. He had spoke to her and I remember the piercing feeling I was having in my heart at the time of that conversation, I felt so choked up and I "thought" I could hear the flirtatious tones in my husbands voice grr it makes me cringe at the thought right now. (This was the enemy playing on it). Anyway beach snorkelling and the amazing fish I'd see. Yes, trigger moments. So here I am laying in bed trying to regain control of my mind. I have work later tonight and honestly just a place I don't look forward to. I realise how good I had it for those 5 months when I didn't have to work heaps of hours. I just worked one day a week. I realise now that I was born to be obviously a marriage counsellor as God desires that but besides that I was born to be a home maker. I enjoy it so very much. Having these past 3 days off all though some were painful I truly do enjoy my home and then spending time with my husband and catching up with the girls for coffee and also working on my newly found artistic side. All though I'm far from great, it's an outlet."
6 December 2012
"Today was a good day. I felt happy for most of it. Same old triggers but I was able to fight them off. Spent sometime with my husband then he went to work and I spent time with my mum and dad. Then came home and got ready for work. Dead night, spoke to "Ang" as he mentioned being friends. Told him my husband wouldn't like that and that he needed to be friends with my husband to be friends with me. He said that was fair. I walked off then he left. Rest of night just talking to the girls. Short shift then went home. My husband brought treats home which was great. Was very happy to see him. Then went to bed. Started being attacked and kept thinking snorkelling at beach. Eventually fell asleep."
5-9 November 2012
Between 5-9th I had great days. Couple triggers but I was able to replace the thoughts.
9 November 2012
"9th was the amazing baptism Day!! Started off great with breakfast at "T and O's" then on to church and I was surprised with mum and dad being there to support us. The baptism was such an amazing, memorable moment. "M" and I were both baptised together. I was feeling like a new person, on top of the world. Then came the party and of course "M" recognised that "S" was there.... Yes, the same fitness freak perfect match "S"!!! Seriously, what are the odds hey?? Insane. My day went from worshipping God, feeling ready to continue tackling the issues in our marriage. Ready to overcome this infidelity within the marriage, let go of the old and welcome the new. Well that was all shattered when "M" told me she was there. Wowsers!! Satans definitely doing a number on us. I can't be bothered writing the rest. I confronted her, satan and kept my head high until I got outside and just lost it. Came home was struggling, "M" left to play ball, I texted "T" for support she came round helped me through it enough so that I could focus on getting ready for jlo concert. She's such a great friend. Went to jlo concert and had an awesome time with Mel. Fast forward to this morning, woke up a few times. Second time I woke up to satans attack of using "S's" looks as an insecurity. Honestly, "K" had nothing on this chick. Don't even understand how he let himself fall into her traps where as "S" I could have understood more so cos she is miss perfect. It's frustrating cos maybe really she ain't even that good looking but cos satan has a hold on me at the moment he's able to make me think she's miss perfect. He's just playing on my insecurities at the moment. I'm sure if "M" never cheated and I had of met her, I probably wouldn't of thought a damn thing about her looks etc it just would have been like stay away from my husband he's taken. I truly hate how close to people you get as a youth worker. It's amazing to think okay yes you're doing a wonderful thing looking after abused kids but in the same instance you ruin your whole damn life by putting yourself around women in a confined space together all day long. I don't think ill ever be comfortable with my husband working so closely to so many women. I'm sorry but I've done the emergency care job and I know exactly the kind of people it attracts. A normal person can't cope with being in that environment for long periods of time around abused children it becomes too much to handle. It takes a certain type of person to be able to do that years on end. My husband had been working night shifts for the past 2 years so interactions were very little but I guess he's drawn to the industry as well so he must be one of those type of people as well. Kind of damaged etc. well that's no lie I guess I am married to one of those people that I don't like my husband being around. Wowsers! Talk about realisation at its finest. I use to always say to matt that the women he works with majority gotta be damaged to put up with the horrific things they see. No child should ever go through that trauma in fact no person should. Men in the industry makes more sense cos they do and can switch off. Normal women wouldn't suit that industry at all and they do try it cos they want to show empathy and care for the kids but it becomes too much. Those are generally the more normal women. "K" and "S" and probably a bunch more my husband has had interactions with have been doing the job for ages. These ladies may appear normal on the outside but I can guarantee they aren't on the inside. Not too many women can be in that environment for long periods of time and come out not injured in some way. Women are built to nurture and the abuse these children would usually break your heart and it'd become too much to cope with that's why there is a massive turn over in staff within youth work. Those who stick either are older and able to cope I mean like "Sh" from sturt type age or they got a few screws lose themselves. Anyway, I don't like my husband in the industry. He's already fallen a bunch of times with a chick from the industry. It's unhealthy being around another female just as much if not more than your own wife. That's not what God intended."
10 December 2012
"Anyway, crazy attacks today on the 10th. It's all taking its toll on my mind body and soul. Too much struggle really so now I'm just letting go and trying to sleep. I'm done fighting right now it's too painful so I'm going to just rest. I find it very difficult when matt compares my laying in bed with his attacks. I'm sorry but me being exhausted is cos of his actions and me trying daily to fight satan. He truly needs to get over my bed sleeping long hours thing. This is my rest time. Trying to heal and just relax.
Message I sent "M": "It's not fair that you don't give me the reassurance that I need during this time. You just keep walking off. I'm. Obviously hurting and you think it's better just to go watch football. You are doing the same thing as yesterday when you walked out and left me to play basketball. I'm getting attacked on the daily while you just continue life like its nothing. Don't you get that? When I can think logically I understand that most women like Sarah dress and act a certain way because they are insecure about themselves, trying to make up for something lacking emotionally or cover up her own true fears. Most women operate the same. They appear outwardly confident by wearing tight fitting clothes, lots of makeup, they have this flirtatious look about them cos they unhappy in their own lives and they want a husband so bad that any man that seems like a good candidate is a potential husband. "T" and I spoke about it yesterday since you weren't there to support me. The only person who makes her insecure at church is ____ cos she keeps herself extremely manicured, always wears heels and always flirts with her husband but not intentionally its just that her own wants for a husband is causing her to send off these signals cause her to dress and act a certain way. You keep running away when I need you near the most. I feel like you aren't even in the fight with me. You put us in this place, if you can't put up with the pain I'm going through then you may as well go be with someone like "S" cos I will stop fighting. I'm not going to feel like I'm not getting your support just so you can make me feel like the crazy one. IM HURTING!!!"
11 December 2012
It crazy how many insecurities I have developed from all of my husbands unfaithfulness. The questions that run through my head like, "is "K" a better kisser than me? Is "K" funnier than me and more outgoing and friendlier than me? Did she use to make him laugh more than me? Did he like "K" tits better than mine since they'd be bigger since she's a mother. Did he like her ass better than mine? Did "L" give him better four play than me? Did he love her more than me? Did he find bar wenches privates more appealing than mine?
These very questions run through my head like no other all because of the acts he did. Now because of "S" who he hasn't done anything with but satan tried to attack my husband with but in return attacked me. I now question everything. Am I not enough for him? Does he regret marrying me cos he could have been with someone more like "S" who is a fitness freak. Am I not attractive enough? Am I not skinny enough or toned enough or bold and confident enough? Am I not flirtatious enough? I mean it never seemed to matter even when I expressed my deepest desires for him and how sexy I found him cos he didn't believe me anyway because of the sin he was stuck in. Honestly I'm so sick and tired of feeling like its a permanent battle or competition to keep my husband and that's the monster he has created by cheating on me time and time again. I'm sick and tired of having to fight satan and the other women he uses as tools. I already lost. My husband chose flesh over me even though I've always been right there in the flesh waiting for him. Sexually, I was very open in our marriage to trying new things with him and yet, still not enough. I don't feel like I'm ever enough for him. I don't feel safe anywhere because everyone knows him, looks up to him, women and young girls openly lust over him. It's tiresome. I married him for the man he came across as not for his looks. I'm seriously getting to the point where it's getting beyond a joke. He's not bloody famous, he's a normal person. If I wanted to feel insecure all day long I would have married a famous person but I didn't and I'm honestly sick of it. People we run into always treating him like he's some amazing superstar, which I'm sure is just building his ego but what they don't see is this man who cheated on his wife. I use to see my husband as an amazing man and honestly he does have amazing qualities but I'm sick and tired of feeling women and hearing women lusting over him. I also didn't sign up for that. GO AND GET YOUR OWN DAMN MAN!!! Aghhhhhh
It's one thing to be nice to a person but to start putting him on a pedestal means they putting him before god and lusting over him. I can't take it anymore. I just wanted a normal life where we had our close select friends and people knew us to the happy couple I wanted us to be and we respected those around us and vice versa but instead I got a husband who is an adulterer, people recognising him every where, can't even attend church without some chick from work who doesn't even go there showing up, women lusting over him and him lusting over them. His work basically promotes men and women working extremely closely together for long hours, I mean he may as well go work at a club again. No bloody difference. How are we meant to survive all this when satan knows moves way before we do? Trusting in god is great but it doesn't stop bad things from happening to good people it just provides you someone to lean on. I'm just truly over fighting a fight that seems like we going to lose no matter what. We may not lose this year but whose to say 2 years from now we aren't right back where we are? I'm so unhappy these days that it seems like what's the point. All I know is that the baptism did really signify my death because I'm done. I am not me anymore I no longer care, I no longer have the desire to fight. The Holy Spirit is taking over this body and I will no longer be in control. My marriage died, I died and my husband died. I'm no longer in the race for me. For some reason god wants to keep this new marriage, the new us alive so I'm trusting in him. If it were up to me the marriage would have been over but it's not up to me it's completely up to god. My life is not my own. I was not meant to be one of those people that has a happy marriage with some small battles but comes out with a happy ending. Apparently only the weak get that. I'm now just a soldier, in this marriage just to beat satan and win it for god. That is now my goal and only because Christ wants it that way. My wants and needs are being removed as I type this. I'm an empty vessel going to be used by God and the Holy Spirit to fight satan and help break the chains that have been following "M" for many years. I guess I don't deserve true love and the joys a marriage are suppose to bring. I wasn't matts first choice I'm just where he ended up and now I'm dead and gone but this body is still here just to win battles for god. There will not be a divorce in this story because god doesn't want it that way. My happiness isn't important anymore and it seems it never was. Gods plan is to build an army of soldiers and apparently my unfit, fitness hating self is one of those soldiers. Figure that one out. He should have given the role to matt and Sarah instead. Anyway, this is where I'm at now. My life is going to be very different from most. Basically living with a man who betrayed me but yet through gods grace fighting with him. Ive been called to be a frontline fighter. Stranger things have happened I guess. My heart is guarded and protected now, almost like a switch has been turned off cos I don't get to live a life of love. Just got my armour on and that's it. Children may not be in my for seeable future. I know I had that vision of children but I can't see us having the time to raise them when our lives are going to be dedicated to fighting satan and his probable never ending attacks. Who knows, time will tell. Signing off!"
12 December 2012
"Last night after work I came home and actually really enjoyed my husbands company. We talked, laughed, cuddled. It felt really good. I also started drawing an image that i couldnt shake which is my bleeding heart in jail. We then went to bed and cuddled some more and eventually made love. Was absolutely amazing!!! I then fell asleep in his arms.
This morning 12/12/12 I woke up in his arms which is always so calming. I made us a salad lunch/breakfast, we sat at the table, prayed, ate together and talked about my husbands dream about being a soldier. Between last night and this morning I'm feeling so what back on track. I haven't forgotten the things that God has laid on my heart though. Like, being a soldier for Christ, being an empty vessel, frontline fighter, the marriage counselling image of helping others and the image of matt with our two sons. These things I hold on to now.
I know that as the happier I get or a few days without attacks from satan he's just setting me and/or us up for something else. He likes to trick me into getting comfortable with the situation, enjoying time with my husband then BAM something else happens and knocks me for a six. Anyway, I'm just prayerful that Thursday is major attack free. I'm use to dealing with the daily triggers so I'm going to speak positively into it. God I demand that Thursday be an attack free day of reconnecting and enjoying my husbands company. Give me the strength to make it out of bed and out of the house on Thursday and able to communicate, smile and enjoy time with the other man I love, my husband. Amen!!
I also continued to work on my drawing. I'm still getting that pull towards doing it like its going to be some sort of relief when it's done. I'm enjoying doing the drawings and paintings when god desires. Other times I'm fine without it. Anyway, so far today is a decent day. Thank you Jesus! Signing off until later!"
13 December 2012
"Today was a great day with my husband. We slept in together, "M" cleaned the car while i got ready and then we went out to Fridays for a early dinner. Was an amazing time together playing a quirky game called how sexy am I? Was a lot of fun. Afterwards we came home for a bit feeling extremely full and then we went grocery shopping. As I got in the car all I could think was how amazing this man I'm married to is and how caring he is. I even told him that. He made a comment like well you couldn't hate me forever I was like well no because I had forgiven you already. We went home and I made us an oober healthy snack. "M" was happy about me jumping on board with the healthy eating etc. we ate, "M" took a nap while I looked on eBay and then we went looking at Christmas lights around the area. Was a great finish to the night and then we went to bed. Thank you Jesus for such a great day and night x"
14 December 2012
"I woke up to my husband still laying with me which is amazing as he doesn't like sleeping in so I truly appreciate it. He seemed a bit upset that he had to stay in bed so long so I suggested he go for a walk or run. Then I looked outside and realised it was raining. We got up, matt had his shower ready for work and then he looked on the computer and noticed all the tabs up. He said he really likes the scripture ring and I said yeah it'd be a good change from his old ring and he said it'd remind him of god etc. in that moment it hit me like what's a ring going to do? It's not like it stopped anything from happening before. It made me quite upset in that moment to think that wearing a wedding ring or saying you're married doesn't stop anything from happening. I had flashes of images of my husband touching bar wench with his wedding ring shining back at him and it not making any difference. There it was on his finger whilst he fingered an unnamed lady in our old car. The pain shot to my heart and the tears rolled down my face. All I could do was say in my head "god how could someone do this whilst wearing something that signifies a unity in your name father". To think that the ring would have been on his hand as he was involved in an act that has damaged us so badly. Then my mind went to all the times he met up with"K" and the fact that they both had their rings on, "K" and her husband also have matching tattoos of their daughters name and matching love bracelets which she would of had all those things on whilst engaging in an affair with my husband!! I know these things cos she so happily took photos and posted them on her Facebook page. All things that I only had to see once but are now burnt into my memory along with the cars she drives etc. I tried to continue my focus on my Heavenly Father which dimmed the pain but it was still there. I thought about snorkelling but nothing just made it go away. Anyway my husbands about to go to work and I knew a down day was around the corner. Satan is desperate though cos he's gripping onto any possibility to bring me down. The ring thing I knew that was going to hurt though not that I even expected it just now but here it is.
When I think about it, saying my husband it seems to have no real bearing. Like him being my husband never stopped him from engaging in those acts just like him saying he's married, got a wife or that he loves his wife. None of those things seemed to really matter. So hurtful because those things did have their bearing on me. It definitely meant a lot to me. Oh well, I guess I can't compare because I'm part of the 40% that doesn't cheat on their husband. Signing off!
Anyway, as I was getting ready for work the tears were streaming down my face making it difficult to go to work. Every work day just really sucks these days. I'm so over it. Anyway made it to work with a major headache but just sucked it up cos that's apparently what is expected of me. Aaron was driving me and everyone nuts which we cleared it up afterwards together. Drove home, unsure of how I'm feeling, just knowing that I hate where I'm at, at the moment. I gotta work a double tomorrow but I'm truly not looking forward to it at all. Matts home now and I'm just waiting on clothes to finish so I can get em dry before I gotta work tomorrow day. Signing off!"
15 December 2012
"M's" words to a response text message. "It's so true hey. Women have to juggle a lot and now that it's so hard to provide they have to work as well. Makes no sense. I'm sorry for putting you through this.
We are one so it does affect us but my personal turmoil and strife is not the same as yours. My shame. My guilt. I am not the trustworthy one. I am always suspect even when its something simple. My reaping is personal experience."
My amazing friend sent me a text also saying; 'Darling. I have been praying and asked God what He wanted to say to you... He says 'remember the vision I gave you....nothing is impossible for me. I will never leave you nor will I forsake you! Hold onto me. Though you may stumble you will not fall. I uphold you with my right victorious hand'"
Mums words after I sent her a message about struggling: "Hang in there you will get there i really think so need to sought rest out first luv mumxx"
My verse for today: Cast all your anxiety on the Lord because He cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:7
3-4 January 2013
3rd and 4th of January consisted of waking up with my husband, praying, reading devotionals and focusing on Gods promises. On the 3rd "M" and I went to the beach at H. cove. We had a beautiful burger between us and smoothies. We then went snorkelling together. Was such a beautiful experience. I truly felt his love and as if we were one in that moment as we held hands and swam in the ocean seeing what there is to see. We then came home and I had to go to work. Was a busy night. "M" went to mum and dads. The 4th was similar we woke up and prayed, I felt ready to face a new and exciting day. It was a boiling day. "M" went to work earlier on, I read my book. We went to mum and dads once he got home to get out of the hot air. Stayed there a while then I went to work. I brought us wings and brownie home. Really enjoyed our time together.
6 January 2013
A message to my husband after being deep in thought.
"The honest truth about acknowledging the flesh:
Why aim for left over scraps when you can have the whole banquet!! Those other women you see, will never fulfil you. They will only destroy you. They will send you back to a downhill spiral. Every woman that tries to steal your glance or that you openly give it up to is taking away your god given grace bit by bit until you've denied yourself completely and spread yourself so thin that god doesn't even recognise you. By acknowledging the half dressed women you are allowing them to get temporary fulfilment causing them long term pain and suffering because you too played your part in leading them down the wrong pathway. They are your sisters in Christ. They are lost a lot of them and by you looking at them you are feeding into their demonic attachment. Causing them to hate themselves and to constantly aim on the physical and not the spiritual. They may not all have herpies, HIV etc but their hearts have been taken over by satan and until they repent they will be stuck in that deep dark place. If you get mixed in with even just a glance you to could be caught up in that deep dark place. "
7 January 2013
A message to my husband: It hurts more than anything baby. So much pain. I can't stand this agony. Can't believe this is happening to us and there is nothing we can do about it. I pray, I read, I sing, I listen to sermons, bible, I give thanks, I try to keep my head above water through gods grace, I believe in him, have trust and faith in his plan but yet here i am hurting so badly, still broken, still wish it could all be taken away even tho I know the damage is set in stone. I try to be thankful for the lessons it will bring I try I keep trying only to be still so hurt.... :,( tears falling down my face. I've tried so many things this morning but yet here I am. Why did this have to be apart of my life baby? I love you so much. You really hurt me so bad. :( Even as I'm crying Im holding up 4 fingers to remind myself this is good.
I'm using all the tools what more can a person do. Be still and let god work his magic. This is obviously more growing pains I'm going through right now. How much longer will the growing pains have to come and go through this season? I wish god answered me. He never answers anymore. I know he hasn't abandoned me, he never will. He's working diligently and that's why I can't hear him but enough is enough. I want to be free from all this pain now. The season has been long and painful enough. No more please god no more.
Husbands response: I can tell you are still hurting and when it does not hurt anymore that is what being totally healed feels like. Not blaming yourself. Not asking why. Not wishing it were gone. Not stuck in the past. Not reading books on infidelity. Not listening to sermons on infidelity. We are not healed but we are healing. Maybe the process is not for you but for me. The pain you are going through is a direct effect of my actions. That is not lost on me and maybe that is God's tools to husbands to desire to be Christlike because a wifes pain is so thorough and seems never-ending. Actually going through it is a lesson to me and husbands and a process for wives to truly forgive and not just pretend it did not happen.
My response: Yeah it's all that and some. I just want the best friend that doesn't put their friend through this stuff. I hate that this is a permanent testimony of ours. I know it's going to be used for gods greater plan. I just want to hurry up, get through this nasty process that never belonged, and move the heck on. I don't want to be worried anymore where your eyes are looking or whether you are going to fall into the lust trap years down the track. I don't want to fear walking out my door because I could run into the nasty women who played their part in ruining my dawg on marriage. I don't want to be worried about what places we can and can't go out of fear of you looking at women and getting caught up in the double take or any real take for that matter. This is definitely your season. I'm just getting dragged along for the ride and feeling the repercussions from your actions. God I pray that you completely heal my husband because the pain I'm feeling is from his betrayal. Heal him inside and out so that this is NEVER in our sights again. It didnt deserve to be there in the first place god. Give my husband the lessons he needs and both of us the healing. Amen!!
"M" hit it with an amen!
So as it seems another rough day. The last 3 days have been rough emotionally.
10 January 2013
Note to self: Keep journal, find things good in husband, pray thanks for ___ in my husband Jesus. Text him saying hun I was just praying for you and I'm thankful for your ____ . Encourage him. Journal only positive things about spouse in this journal. Philippians 4:8 can be related to finding positives in husband.
Qualities I like in my husband:
Provider
Honest
Funny
Good listener
28 January 2013
The past few days have been amazing. I've realised my focus needs to be on setting boundaries within our marriage and not worrying over what cannot be changed. The focus needs to be on the now, and future through Gods grace. Acceptance is a word coming to mind... Am I there god? Am I already at acceptance or am I in a phase of your arms wrapped around me and I can't feel the torment Heavenly Father? Could I be here already? It seems so sudden. I'm not wanting it to be longer but I guess the concern was that if we heal quickly will my husband repeat these things again? I believe the answer is NO now. I believe he has been saved. I believe his and mine and our focus is in the right place now father. I believe we have a lot to learn still but I believe lust is not going to be apart of our future. I thank you Jesus for making it possible for us to have a relationship with our heavenly dad, your father. I'm so proud of my husband, the idea of him putting my photo in his car to look at. Such amazing ideas. I'm so proud of the man he's becoming and the decisions he's making and filtering through you. I'm looking forward to his leadership within our marriage, home and family. I'm so eager to see the kind of earthly yet Christlike father he becomes to our soon to be sons. I'm getting the pregnancy itch again Father! I know, I'm surprised as well. I couldn't have imagined having children with this man just over a month ago and yet here we are, back on track but this time without secrets, without sin lingering in the background. This time we have a purpose for our marriage, a direct god given purpose. A few days full of acceptance. Even if I have a few more slip backs I know we are ever so close to being COMPLETELY healed. Thank you Yahweh, thank you thank you thank you! Thank you for keeping an undying love in my heart for firstly you and then my husband. I never lost the love for you or him. I'm sorry for being angry at you god. There were a few times I questioned you out of hurt and pain, please forgive me for my lack of faith. I understand a little clearer now. As I go into today public holiday Monday of Australia Day let it be a day of joy and grace. Amen!
13 January 2013
Was a rough start to the day. Quite down but once "M" came home it all began to improve. We spent time talking I was truly missing him. We laid on the couch watching tv together and kissing. God turned this all around. We ended up making love. "M" also brought home ferrero chocolates and a poem he wrote for valentines day.
14 January 2013
Valentines day!! "M"worked the morning. Woke up feeling really good. I got up and went to the beach for a walk it was absolutely stunning. Loved it. Went grocery shopping and matt came home from work and began cooking my valentines day dinner Mexican!! I felt so special. Was adorable and I loved the meals. We then laid on the couch kissing and we took it to the bedroom for some intimate time. We watched more shows and matt went to bed as he has to work the morning. Great day. Thank you Jesus!
18 January 2013
Verses to fight the good fight:
When we don’t chose God every moment of every day, we automatically default to satan
I Peter 5:8 “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
Psalms 34:17-19 “Yes, the Lord hears the good man when he calls to Him for help, and saves him out of his troubles. The Lord is close to those whose heart is breaking. He rescues those who are humbly sorry for their sins. The good man does not escape troubles – he has them, too. But the Lord helps him in each and every one.”
21 January 2013
Went to my friends today for prayer intercession. Amazing experiences came from it. I feel some things and fears have been removed. I now see the Christies beach scenario as "M" driving from seaford to Christies beach with Jesus in the passengers seat being there with my husband. I had a vision of a jar in relation to all the feelings involved with "K" and the whole scenario and I had an image of Jesus having a hand over all of the trigger places sucking up all the hurt like a vacuum. He also sucked up "K" from those places. Then at woodend primary school I saw my husband go into her car but Jesus walked me over to the car and opened the door and I could see in at first it was difficult but Jesus cut my ties to the pain fear and shame. Firstly I yelled at "M" and "K" but afterwards I was standing on the curb and a glow was surrounding me. I kept watching myself, I was smiling like I was free from what was going on, I then shrunk and became small, I looked 7 years old, full of hope, joy, childlike dreams etc then my friend walked me through until the age I am now but also asked Jesus to keep the feelings and joy of that 7 year olds perspective instilled in me now. It was amazing!!!
23 January 2013
My own bible study and listening to sermons
"I believe something good is going to happen to ME today! And I believe something good is going to happen through me today! Shout this daily!"
Praying saying and action - ways of faith!
Proverbs 15:15
Romans 8:32
Psalm 23:4
Romans 8:37 when you get bad news
We receive through the devil when we fear. We receive through god when we have faith.
Isaiah 30:18
Every time you feel fear say boldly I will not fear!
God is on my side.
Psalm 118:22 on rejection. Don't fear rejection, god is rejected all the time and he's fine. Not everyone is going to like us and that's okay.
Luke 10:10-11
29 January 2013
Message to my husband
"Life lessons"
You have been teaching me how to love even when the situation is far from perfect, you are teaching me how to be patient, not to expect too much from people, you are teaching my heart how to heal even after its been broken and become even stronger, you have taught me not to put relationships in a box of expectations, you are teaching me how to let go of childhood dreams, you have taught me to lean on God whole heartedly and that he is the only consistent in my life, you are teaching me how to forgive even when my heart hurts so much, I'm learning how to love myself and to be secure in myself, I've learnt that I cannot control the actions of others, I can only control my own with the help of god, I'm learning that your actions wasn't the cause of me not being pretty enough, fun enough, sexy enough and that I'm worthy and worth being faithful for. Lots of life lessons".
13 March 2013
Most amazing god appointed thing happened for me tonight. So "M" was going to an older men's meeting and I asked well, do their wives have a women's meeting and he said yes and found out all the details for me so I went along. They were all mid 40s to upper 60s but my goodness I was meant to be there. Some were going through divorce due to their husbands affairs some had been through it, others were widows etc. in fact one lady found out around the same time I did about her husbands adultery except she is suicidal so I was actually able to help her with scripture and tools. Absolutely amazing. I prayed that God would provide me with a group of women going through something similar and he finally answered my prayer!! Wowsers! Thank you Jesus. It's been a great day.
Beloved, God wants you to know that even though you are in this world, you are not of this world. You belong to Him. You don’t have to get caught in dire situations along with the people of the world. Because God is on your side, “He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the perilous pestilence”. (Psalm 91:3)
Even when it comes to generational diseases, you can boldly declare, “That disease stops here!” because you have God and His Word. And when you believe God and His Word, you will see His promises come to pass for
you — “A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand; but it shall not come near you”!
6 April 2013
My friend praying for me and sending me the message:
So as I as praying for you this morning.....
He said put on the full armour of God. Read this directly out of your bible and motion to put on each piece. Like you are acting it out in the heavenly realm but while still being here on Earth.
Secondly, I am learning that the stuff on kingdom of God, Kingdom of Heaven and Kingdom of Earth has to be experienced before we tell others. Coz Ian Clayton talks about people who parrot what he says to pastors and leaders and it causes frustration as its only knowledge. so we are on a journey to experiencing this.
Thirdly, the kingdom of God is in us. That means we tap into where He dwells.... in our Spirit and take authority and responsibility over anything.
So basically, it is important to stand up and say..... I am.... a child of the King. He is my daddy. I have been given all authority in heaven and on Earth. In the name of Jesus. I command....... satan to be bound....... the following principalities/spirits be bound in chains that cannot be broken. stripped of their armor.power/authority,influence and illusion and escorted by your angels jesus to the foot of Christ.
I declare that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I am seated with christ in heavenly places. i have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind...... other scriptures.
I claim....... the peace of God that trascends all understanding to guard my heart and mind in jesus christ........ other scriptures.
Tell satan..... take your hands off my mind. and all your spirits/and my enemies you are to leave now.
I close any door to the evil one. God show me through your holy spirit which door is opened and how satan is gaining access. Then with the authority and your will close the door He shows you.
8 April 2013
Bible study
"The bible says that even in the midst of my problems that I am more than a conquerer through Christ who loves me!!
Get behind me satan, you are a liar
Hebrews 11:39 heroes of faith
Hebrews 12:2
Currently in crisis/conviction leading to consistency
Matt 11:28
The yoke shared with Jesus
Journey of faith
Set eyes on Jesus, eyes on future,
Genesis 126-128"
More scripture:
1 thes 5: 16-18
Luke 11:1-4
Hebrews 11:3 and 6
Jer 32:17 and 27
Matthew 5:5-8
29 April 2013
Another dear friend gave me this Armour of God prayer which has been featured in my blog:
"Armour of God
Dear Heavenly Father,
In the name of Jesus Christ Your Son, our Saviour, I ask You to protect my body, soul and spirit. Thank you for the armour that You have given me. I am saved from the wrath of God by the blood of Jesus, and I now put on the helmet of salvation to protect my mind.
Jesus became sin so that I might have the righteousness of God. I take, and put on, the breastplate of righteousness.
My faith is in Jesus Christ and I place Him before me as that mighty shield of faith, and I put my trust in Him to protect me from all of Satan's fiery darts.
I take hold of the belt of truth. Lord, Your word is truth and Jesus himself is "the way, the truth and the light".
Jesus, You are the Prince of Peace, and the gospel is the good news of peace. I place on my feet the shoes of the readiness of the gospel of peace.
Also, I take hold of the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Let it be in my mouth as a double edged sword.
Thank You Father. You are my refuge and fortress, my rock and my shield, in God whom I trust.
Revelations 12:10-11: We overcome Satan when we declare what the blood of Jesus does for us.
Romans 3:23-25; Romans 8:33-34: The devil has no place in me, no power over me, and no unsettled claims against me. All has been settled at the cross by the blood of Jesus."
3 June 2013
My thoughts
"I'm not perfect but I am loved. I may not know all the right things to say or do but I do have a heart that cries for the hurting. I am compassionate, I am a child of God and will not deny it to make you or anyone else "feel" comfortable. If you don't like how much I speak on Gods truth then feel free to unfriend me because honestly it'd be one less headache I'd have to deal with. I don't care about those who choose to judge me because I don't answer to you, I answer to a loving, generous God who you to will have your day of judgement with."
9 June 2013
Text response from my husband:
"I love you so much and I'm free from that sin but I am still that guy. Do good people still sin? Do sinners still do good things? How does God make me new and make me whole without you? We are one and the same. Matthew 7:12-18 We are God's children and he'll give us what we ask in accordance with his will. God is good and God does good. I am not sure about anything else really. Why would anything else matter? Not sure but it does. He wants things like how funny and loving we are to matter to us. He wants our relationship to be a reflection of his Spirit and fruitfulness. That spiritual fruit alone will be enough but I believe we'll be given even more. "
11 June 2013
Listening to Sermons
"I'm expecting a flood of favour! A tsunami of healing, an overflow in our lives.
"Thank you father for the flood of favour in my life. Lord I want to thank you for taking me further faster" The lord is my light, who shall i fear! say it daily!!
Keep focus on god not the issues.
We are improving
We take the limits off of god
Eyes of understanding be flooded with life. Raise my expectancy of god. We are going to get hit by a flash flood.
We kill our dreams because of our thoughts. We kill gods blessings because of fear."
29 July 2013
Wedding Anniversary message from me to my husband
Happy 6th anniversary baby! I love you so much. We've had many highs and many lows but through the grace of God we have and will survive them all. Thank you for wanting to do this thing called life with me. Thank you for taking care of me when you could have up and left. Thank you for wanting and working towards being a better man. The kind of man I have always desired. I look forward to a bright, healthy and happy future ahead, together side by side as we continue to dedicate our lives to Christ. I love you my amazing husband. I thank you for the lessons I've learnt from the years being married to you. Our marriage reminds me of a mosaic window. Lots of broken intricate pieces that God is putting back together piece by piece to create a beautiful piece of art that the light shines brightly through. Happy Anniversary Baby. May there be many more amazing years to come. Te Amo. Mwah xox
13 August 2013
Husband said in a text: I love you so so much. You are the most amazing woman in the world to me."
20 August 2013
Message to my husband and his response:
"He said: "Yeah you're right... I did let lust and my idols come between us but i did not care about them at all.
Honestly being with you made me want to change and helped me come to a relationship with Christ. A real relationship. I haven't done anything except point people in the wrong direction..."
21 August 2013
I believe this was a reply to a series of messages between my husband and I.
"I want a faithful committed marriage that glorifies god and not takes away from his amazing beauty. I want joy, happiness and love in abundance, I want children and to know my purpose in this world. I want freedom and to be healed from your sin. I want a mind that only thinks of God, beauty and all things that are of benefit for the kingdom and my life. I want financial freedom and to have genuine compassion for others without doubting them. I want to be secure in my identity and ultimately I just want to enjoy what time I have left and live as stress free as possible. I don't want anymore internal heartache coming from you and I will not accept it"
My husband wrote: "I'll be making better decisions for sure. I'm not a people pleaser and will never put my wants and desires over your needs and Gods plan. I am a great steward and even better decision maker. Through Christ."
26 August 2013
Self Reflecting
Who I want to be: the qualities I desire
"Fun, silly, not boring or dull!!!
A child after Gods own heart
Proverbs 31 wife
Quick to forgive, slow to anger
Loving when not being loved
Respectful when not being respected
Fearless
Fighter for Jesus
Wholesome
True to self
A love for life but an excitement for the eternal
Full of unwavering faith
Forgiveness
Grace
All fruits of the spirit
Freedom from past - let go
A helper
A lover
A best friend
A great listener
Selfless
Humble
Easy going
Sense of humour
Giving
Trustworthy
Desirable"
4 September 2013
Sermon "M" and I listened too said:
"My friend, if you are the sort who gets flattered easily, people can control you. All they have to do is say some nice things about you and you are influenced into doing whatever they want you to do. But when you are passionate for the glory of Jesus, you can’t be swayed by the praises of man. You want only Jesus to get all the glory."
Bible verses:
2 Corinthians 12:9 Jedidiah Turner
We boast in our weakness.
Christ strength is perfected in our weaknesses.
Just add water - just add weakness
Today's society always tells to show our best side.
Salvation is realising you cannot do this anymore. Cannot live life alone. Awareness of our weakness.
Fruit in our weaknesses...
For when I am weak, I am strong.
Keep talking about our weaknesses and sharing our struggles.
Gotta keep moving into a place of weakness when you feel you are handling life on your own.
Grow by increasing your weight-load beyond your own capabilities!
Put the impossible in front of you so God will come in and finish the job for you!!! I will do more because He can do more.
God is our heavenly spotter. Put yourself in a place of needing God's strength.
Add the impossible and God will get involved. If you can do it all by yourself, than why would God step."
A message to my husband with my expectations and the boundaries I require for this marriage to continue and thrive in the future.
Hey baby, so I thought it would be a good idea to start jotting down what it is I need from this marriage and you can feel free to do the same. I want us on the same page as often as possible and so that there is NEVER a time we are unsure of what's acceptable and what's not. There can be NO gray areas in our marriage. We need to be clear. I know that this can seem like it's taking the fun or love out of the marriage but in reality these things are going to protect us from EVER having to walk down this path again. Let's create a clean, healthy understanding for each other of desires, needs etc. This list is not about my desires as yet but it's all about what I truly NEED for our marriage to last.
PROTECTING OUR MARRIAGE BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT!!!!
What I need from this marriage: (List can be added to over time as life continuously changes)
*God centred
*Putting me first before any other earthly thing or person.(God before each other).
******Commitment
**************MONOGAMY!!! (Christian version of fidelity/faithfulness).
*Clear boundaries that we both agree on such as:
- No spending time with a man (for me) and a woman (for you) by ourselves.
- No flirting or inappropriate conversations (remove ourselves from this).
- No kissing or touching of the opposite sex inc. hugs
- Hugs are okay when we are in each others presence with our FRIENDS we share together.
- No texting, no emails, no phone calls, no catching up behind each others backs with person of opposite sex.
(Please add more if needed)
*Pray together and seperately daily
*Whilst I'm still dealing with triggers, fears etc I truly need to not necessarily talk in detail about what is going on and yet sometimes I will and during those times I just ask for your patience with me and that you just hug me tightly. I may or may not cry but I need you. I need to feel safe and know that there will never be another repeat of what we've been through. I will appologise in advance if I hurt your feelings and I will do my absolute best to not play the blame game. At the moment though whilst this is still very raw, I may mention at times when you did this.... it made me feel etc.I don't want to breathe life into the past by talking heavily in detail about it but at times we may have to discuss some details but ONLY for moments of prayer such as; today im struggling with the "emotional affair" aspect can we please pray over this together? At times when I don't go into much detail please remember it's not because I don't want to but because I want us to survive this mess and I'm trying to do everything in my power to not breathe more life into it so I may say something like "Today I'm sad or today I'm struggling".
- I know this is extremely hard for you as well and I wish that this was NEVER a topic we had to discuss but it is in our present whilst we are healing and in our past whether we like it or not and I want to do my best to respect you in every way possible and understand that this has hurt you as well.
*Please pray over me when I'm struggling as much as you can and I will pray for you also. I know we are both struggling in different ways and we both need prayer, love, respect and protection.
*Trust is and will be earnt by being transparent. For us, this will happen over time.
*Staying accountable to each other. Let each other in on every detail of our lives big and small. Better to be safe than sorry.
*Honesty/Transparent: We need to be open and honest if we notice signs of someone touching us or talking to us or sending signals inappropriately to us of the opposite sex. We need to share these things with each other so that we can pray on them and discuss whether we both feel what is happening is inappropriate etc. Also, if there is an attraction with the opposite sex or we are struggling with something or someone LETS TALK ABOUT IT!! NO MORE SECRETS EVER!
*Support each other through the good and bad. At this current moment I need the continued support you've been providing me through our healing journey. I need your understanding that things will not change over night, that this could be still an issue in years to come. Prayerfully not to the same extent but that in years to come there maybe moments that could trigger this and bring it to the surface and during those times I will need your true support, empathy and understanding. (Please don't belittle me, scough and say things like "get over it already, it's been dealt with". Not that I think you would).
Days or Years from now we may run into those you were involved with and it may or may not set me back, only God knows and if it does I will need you to stand beside me, grab my hand, hug me, protect me and help me through it. In that moment I will be saying a silent prayer to God for his help but I truly need you to show that I am the love of your life and that it truly was one of the biggest mistakes in your life. LOVE ME, PROTECT ME & STAND UP FOR OUR MARRIAGE, FRIENDSHIP and LOVE!
*Love and Respect, goes both ways. We both need to aim for this daily.
*We both need to do whatever it takes to protect, guard our marriage. Infidelity is unacceptable on all fronts and never will be accepted.
*Never again can I feel like I was not enough of "anything" for you. I never want to be put in this position ever again where I'm living in fear, feeling unloved by you. I need God's order for our marriage. (Soon we may have to revisit those places together and mourn our losses but then also create new memories in those places. I cannot have the things you did with these women be out weighing our commitment.) Please help me with this.
Ultimately the healing that is necessary for us to live a happy and fulfilled life is going to come from God and us BOTH putting in a lot of hard work to make this a marriage we are BOTH desire and we both know and feel honored, loved and respected.
*Fun- We both need to be able to enjoy our lives knowing that we are in this for the long road. We need to make time for date nights as often as we can even when we have children. (I never want to lose that), make time for one another's interests (I need to work on this), time away when we can afford it, going on adventures. Having carefree moments together where we put aside finances, daily duties, childrens needs etc and just truly be absorbed in one anothers company.
****** INTIMACY IS REQUIRED!! We both NEED to make time for sexual intimacy because it's what separates us from friendships and protects our new covenant. Please don't put our new covenant at jeopardy and I wont either.
*There will be things that you dont share a common interest in and that is okay but we need to make sure that those things NEVER take priority over God, each other and our future children. The hobbies that we enjoy seperately CANNOT involve people of the opposite sex unless we know the people together and it's NOT just one on one! THAT IS NOT OKAY!
"Not that I think you will ever do these things again but the below paragraph is to truly put things plain, simple and honest. I need monogamy."
***If monogamy sounds impossible or unreachable to you from this point on, please end our marriage now. If you cannot stay faithful, let me know and I will move on. Have enough respect for our relationship to tell me and let me out. Don't waste my time. I don't want ANY responsibility for your monogamy, that is between you and God. That is your job as it is mine to make sure we stay momogamous to each other. If monogamy is dependent on me being perfect or exactly what you need at every point in your life, then we need to end things now. I will not cheat even if I am miserable in the relationship because I believe in the marriage that took place 29th of July 2007 and the renewal on the 29th of July 2012. I believe in Gods design for marriage and I will stand by that all the days of my life. If you cannot do the same then please let me know so we can seperate permanently.
I know the above paragraph seems harsh but honestly, we've been through it all before and still healing from it. I cannot live out the rest of my life in fear that this could happen again if you happen to get caught up in a situation. I want to trust that you will truly rely on God in everything you do and that you will rely on God's order for your life and our marriage. I will spend the rest of my life praying for protection over you and praying that you continue to grow in Christ. I love you with all my currently broken heart and I want and need us to be in this commitment together until death do us part. I want us to enjoy our lives and not be worrying over whether there is going to be any repeats in our marriage. I know you cannot make promises to me anymore but you can ALWAYS put GOD first and make sure that you are staying accountable to him and honest with me. I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!
As you know I'm struggling with your past choices, struggling with letting go and struggling with fear. I will continue to work through these things with God, just continue to be supportive. I need you, I desire you and I want us to both be fulfilled."
My husband accepted the above and we are moving forward in Jesus!!!
8 September 2013
I got a job in the NT and i moved whilst my husband was selling our cars and renting our house out to then join me a month later.
