I
have been feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin lately, so much so
that I went to the mall without my hair all made up and without makeup and I
felt beautiful in glimpses even around those who were wearing next to nothing,
faces caked on with makeup and hair full of braids, extensions, etc. Yet, my
husband was allowing his mind to wonder while I was hitting a new level of
being okay with who I am. I will not allow my husbands shortcomings to knock me
back down even though I do feel it. I know I have not been secure in my
appearance since his adultery and my nose even before him but I thought he saw
beyond all my flaws when we first got married and loved me for me.
It use to
take serious amounts of strength to not flip out in public when I was with him.
Still to this day (even during my no makeup and basic hair done recent approach
at the mall) I still feel invisible standing next to him. Not just for obvious
reasons like I’m short, white and small and he is tall, dark and handsome but
because it seems to be that I’m very much not seen next to him as an equal
partner by others around. I can tell from the eyes of other women as they watch
on that they are staring at him and don’t even notice the woman standing next
to him and if for some reason they do see me, I see those looks of confusion,
like what is HE doing with her? I use to just think it was my insecurity
talking but even as I have been overcoming them in my baby steps forward I
still see it. Well, I have something to say!! I AM ENOUGH with or without him
and just because I get unnoticed around him and for some reason I seem even
smaller and less significant near him in shopping mall settings, when I’m
alone, I roar and I appear 7ft tall. There is a real spiritual battle in this
area and it’s not every where and I’ve had to just give it to God multiple
times because it is real and it does happen. I become invisible next to my
husband and that is not who God created me to be.
Every
time my husband allows the devil to rule and reign or even rent a thought in
his head, it does hurt and it does drive the dagger in that little bit deeper
into me thinking that I’m not pretty much like Leah from the bible. The one who is seen as ugly and he
doesn’t really want and has to be tricked into being with, staying with or
forced by God to stay with but…. He really has this other image in his head of
the woman he see’s himself with and what she would look like. Now, I’m sure
he’s not saying all that in his head but that’s what it does say to me. Just
like his adulterous incidences in our past. Yet, the bible tells me it’s him
that is weak, him that is at fault if he allows these temptations in past the
DO NOT ENTER door. I AM ENOUGH but there will always be someone more pleasing
to the eye to come along because that’s life. I mean the devil tries to tempt
me but my husband IS my ideal man in the looks department even when he was
overweight I loved him for who he was and he was my view of “beauty” in a manly
sense. Today he is tall, long, lean and muscular and he is my view of beauty. I
just wish that it was the same for him to me. I know I don’t look like my 20
year old self anymore and back then he didn’t want me to be that 20 year old
self who wore makeup everyday, dressed up to the nines all the time but yet,
his recent actions now speak differently to that even though his words continue to
sound the same. That tells me his is an internal battle of his own. It’s
strange because I know he’s not the same guy that cheated on me multiple times quite
a few years ago now and this year has started off as a season of blessings and
me feeling a lot more secure within my marriage and then this comes along and
it does rattle the cage and make me think, WHERE THE HECK DID THIS COME FROM!?!
Yet, I know the answer is the devil and his demons… It continues to put me back
in that place of, I cant actually ever relax and let my guard down, not even
with my husband because just as soon as I do something comes along and throws
me for a 6 every time. Yet, I believe we are both new creations, living from
new perspectives so I shouldn’t have to have my guard up. Being a follower of
Jesus doesn’t mean I have to work so hard to keep my husband held up in prayer
so he doesn’t slip, that’s works and makes it about what I am doing or aren’t doing.
It’s obviously about his heart but either he’s a new creation and we’ve gone
through the purging of all things that don’t belong, or he’s not a new creation…
OR he’s still being purged from sexual sin on a smaller scale. I don’t know but
he’s not the man he use to be. It’s crazy how I was just sharing testimony and
just telling a friend about how far we’ve come and that we are healed and how
different my husband is and then the very next day he’s writing about
temptation and allowing his eyes and thoughts to wonder. Then before that he was sending off our testimony in a letter and we were talking about how it doesn’t even really feel
like our lives that we are reading in those letter and yet this then happens… I mean are we
really beyond this stuff or no?
I
feel like crawling under a rock and acknowledging that I’ll never be prettier
than those women that he allowed his eyes to wonder too and it does cause me to
want to reach for the makeup kit, go get extensions in my hair, go get plastic
surgery to make me into a carbon copy of the ever changing image in his head of
perceived “beauty” and go get that fake tan and go get new, sexy, skimpy or
tight fitting clothing and go workout until I reach that ultimate image that I
think will keep him forever loving me, his eyes and thoughts never wavering and
yet, NONE OF THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH because it’s the heart of the issue in him
that I cannot fix, only Jesus can.
I
may not be the most physically beautiful woman in this world but Jesus thinks I'm wonderful and that I’m
worthy of His love. Jesus will never leave me nor forsake me. Jesus will never
make me doubt His love because he paid the ultimate price for me even when I
wasn’t being true, faithful and committed to him. No matter how man see’s me, I
was created with a destiny and purpose and if they cannot see my worth that is
on them and between them and God. I’m beautiful because Jesus says so, not
because the world says I have many physical flaws that I do start to see and
believe the more this world shows me a so called woman of “beauty” and my
husband sits in agreeance with the worldly standard by allowing his eyes and
thoughts to dwell there.. I don’t have the best looking face, body, I’m short
and I don’t wear my hair in braids, makeup all the time and the best of clothes
like I wish I could but my worth comes from Jesus not worldly, perishing things
such as these. I don’t feel good enough most of the time because of the sting
of adultery in our past but I’ve been growing to be more like Jesus and to see
myself through His eyes. My feelings do not dictate my worth. I’m beautifully
and wonderfully made in the image and likeness of God. I’m valued by Him even
if others don’t see my value. Just because I don’t have a skinny waste, toned
body, small nose, gentle chin and a small forehead doesn’t make me less
valuable to God. I am HIS child and he wants the best for me. Just because
people haven’t been faithful to me, doesn’t mean Jesus is going to be the same.
Jesus is faithful and committed to me beyond outward “beauty”. I’m not
responsible for the actions of others and their actions shouldn’t define me as
a person even as much as they hurt. I deserve to be adored, loved, appreciated
and not taken for granted. I deserve a marriage that is not always at threat of
blowing over with the next appearance of some long legs and a nice smile. I’m
more than my physical attributes and if people don’t take the time to get to
know me on a deeper level or our apparent deeper level of connection cannot
withstand life’s blows then that is on them for being shallow and misled by the
devil himself. I’m not perfect but I’m made right because of Jesus. I fear, I
doubt, I worry about not being enough or not being beautiful enough in a
worldly sense out of fear of losing the one I love and out of fear of someone
else catching his eye. That treatment of my inner being is not love. I choose
to rely on Jesus for ALL I need because I cannot rely on man to fulfill my
needs and to meet my most inner heart desires of being ENOUGH. Only Jesus can
do that. A “love” that is reliant on another person to be all that they WANT
(sexy, well put together, has all the right physical characteristics, pleasing
to the eye, appears kind, outgoing based on assumptions and not knowing the
person on a deeper level) is NOT love at all. I don’t want that kind of
shallow, misleading, earthly, fleeting love (lust).
I’m
a child of God and I do not have time for the worldly games that have only
brought hurt into my life up until this point. I cannot rely on my husband to
have my best interest at heart, I can only hope and pray that he does. I cannot
control his thoughts, actions and deeds but I can control how I react and act
towards them. His faithfulness or unfaithfulness is not because of me and has
everything to do with him.
I’m
more precious than rubies and the bible tells me that “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who
fears the LORD is to be praised. – Proverbs 31:30”. Well, if beauty is fleeting and in an earthly sense, I
don’t have a whole heap of it then it
will suck to be those physically beautiful people because once it has gone they
will be the ones left insecure and full of fear because their days of youth
have numbered. Their identity would have been built in shallow soil that will
crumble like a tree that’s roots become uprooted from a storm.
“Psalm 139:14 - I
praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are
wonderful, I know that full well.”
“Don’t be consumed by what you
don’t have, just bring what you do have to Jesus, and watch Him do what only He
can do. And my God will meet all your needs. No matter what you are
facing right now, Jesus says to you, I am enough. I am enough. I am
more than enough.”
–From “God’s Shelter for
Your Storm” By Sheila Walsh
