Today has been a day of true soul searching. Honestly, it has been one of those extremely emotional, raw days where nothing seemed to go right. I realised after spending time in prayer with God that I haven't truly let go of past hurts and as a Christian we are called to let go of them because they have all been dealt with on the cross. Our past sins have been forgiven if we've asked for forgiveness. Those who have hurt us and we've said we've forgiven no longer owe us anything and their sins have been forgiven but what happens when you want to forgive them, you've followed through with verbally expressing that continuously but yet you are still being tormented by those deep wounds... Where do you turn to and seek refuge? Well, Jesus of course!
Matthew 11:28-29: "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I've been dealing with past images flashing through my mind as if they were on a spinning wheel going round and round again. I jump straight in and rebuke them and yell out "I give no consent in the name of Jesus" but yet there they still are. As I began to cry out to my Heavenly Daddy asking him why I couldn't move on and what is the purpose of me still being reminded of the evil, hurtful things that I've had to deal with, it was as if a very quiet voice began to talk to me. Yes, it was the Holy Spirit. He softly told me that I'm holding on to the past and until I learn to let go and truly trust God I will not have the peace and joy I desire for my life. Freedom from always looking over my shoulder in fear, free from being worried about bumping into certain people who I feel threatened by. Right now, I'm missing out on having that pure joy for the future. I'm stuck looking backwards while the world keeps on turning and everyone else is still moving forward. Yet, here I am, in darkness by myself but I'm truly never by myself because Jesus is always with me.
So what now? How does one let go?
Logically, I understand that I have to hand all of the past hurts over to Jesus and lay them at the foot of the cross but yet it's as if they have a retractable cord attached to them. I've tried everything from visualising that I'm cutting the cord between myself and those images, I've visited the places which hold me tormented, I've tried renewing my mind daily, I've been taking communion on the regular, I've even gone as far as writing down names, places etc and then burning them but yet they are still there hurting me daily. I've forgiven those who have hurt me, I've forgiven myself and I had to repent and ask for forgiveness from God because at one point through this healing journey I was playing the blame game on him as well.
Currently, I feel like I'm the woman in the bubble, trapped inside my own mind and my own house. I go out and instantly I'm flooded with hurtful memories of landmarks etc and that constant fear of running into people and like I said before I focus on taking thoughts captive but still no success. I think I understand that I'm so wrapped in past hurts because it truly ruined my "fairytale" image of life. I no longer can live in the land of the innocent because I know how harsh the world we live in is but I want more than anything else to go back to that reality and that my friends, is what's holding me back.
How does one let go of their ideal picture of how things are suppose to go in life?
There are certain things we can all quite easily get over and those "things" are different for each of us and yet, there are those other "things" that seem to ruin our lives instead. The things I'm dealing with my friends, are the things that I would never wish upon another. I have prayed that God never lets another person go through what I'm currently going through but we do live in a fallen world and more people will go through these injustices.
Life's trials are just that, they are trials and tests of faith and when those tests come along we can seriously assume they are going to be on specific things that God is aware that are our weaknesses. Now, I'm not saying that God makes these bad things happen to us. No! God is a great God. However, the enemy knows our weaknesses and he's been using the same old system of trickery for many many years now. Well, he found my weakness and I fell straight in a pit. A pit of wallowing in self doubt and self pity. It's truly an ugly place to be in.
Honestly, today I don't have the answer to letting go of the past. This is a process for me. In a previous blog entitled "Health and Wellbeing" I discuss stress relieving techniques however, they are only short term helpers. Then I've also mentioned "Taking Communion" and this one is truly a HUGE help so I'm going to continue with this one because it's also the importance of acknowledging Jesus.
Anyway, as for things to help move on from the past, I can only suggest things I'm trying to do and I'm not over the past as yet but once I am I will let you know what works for me in more detail. Please see below:
- Praying, praying and more praying.
- Seek out forgiveness no matter how painful it is.
- Remind yourself you are a Child of God and live from it.
- Take communion
- Focus on the things you have to be thankful for each day.
- Take every thought captive. (This one I struggle with).
- Remind yourself that you've already been through the worst of it and that you survived. Now it's just healing emotionally and spiritually.
- If you're like me and places are haunting you because of past memories, go back there, go through the emotions, cry and scream out if need be. Take back those places in the name of Jesus through the authority given to you and rebuke all demonic spirits from those places. (It truly does weaken the enemies hold on these places).
- Remember to have fun.
- Exercise
- When thoughts evade your mind, visualise Jesus on the cross and remember that it's all been dealt with.
- When your mind is being tormented stand up firmly and stomp your feet reminding yourself of the present day and that you have already walked through the past.
- Pamper yourself
- Sing and dance
- Write names and places on a piece of paper, say a little something like "all though you hurt me and you may of had a piece of my past, you will not have my present or future. In Jesus name, I free myself from being enslaved and tormented by ____. I forgive them for their sins. Please bless them in Jesus name, Amen". Then burn, bury or throw out the papers as a way of letting go.
- Talk to friends, family and a counsellor if need be.
- Last but definitely not least, DON'T GIVE UP!
All of life's struggles are temporary. They may seem long and drawn out but one day we will be able to look back and be amazed that it's all over.
My healing journey is not over yet friends and most days are a struggle just to function like a normal person but I do have good days way more than I did before. My mind is quite often foggy or being tormented. I truly look forward to the day that I'm able to "let go". It's a lot of work and effort and without my Heavenly Father's guidance and reassurance I am sure I wouldn't of made it this far. We need to be soldiers of Christ, willing to go into battle through anything for the sake of our Saviour. Remember what he went through for us. As I ponder ways of letting go, please pray for me. I'm just a regular person like yourself trying to be the best Christian I can be.
God Bless you all.
A Survivor in the making!
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